I have been wanting to blog this for awhile now, but for some reason I just never have actually sat down and wrote it. It could be because it is still very fresh and the perfect ending hasn't quite appeared yet. Nevertheless, here goes...
Ryan and I had started this adoption journey almost a year ago. Around February we both felt totally called to adoption and from Ethiopia. I had told a few people and they seemed pretty excited, or at least okay with the idea. We quickly realized that we would not be able to adopt until we are closer to 25, so we said well lets just try and have a baby the old fashion way. So I went back to those few people and told them our new plan. Their reactions were typical. Excited, but not overly in your face excited. Well fast forward to July and we find out we are able to start the adoption process now. I have never been more excited or sure of something in my life. I was jumping up and down dancing around my room like a crazy person. So we started the applications. After we got approved we were so excited we wanted to tell our families and friends.
Dunnn dunnn dunnn....
Rose colored glasses turned completely clear, the sunshine had turned to night, and the the butterflies had died. People were NOT very excited about this little announcement. Suddenly all the excitement of our adoption had been crushed and it hadn't even been a month yet. Now to be fair, we had a FEW people who were on board and excited with us. (They reactions are more precious to us than anything else- Thank you if you're reading this...) This was a really hard pill to swallow. I suddenly realized that I was no longer making people proud. Instead we were doing something that was going to hurt them and apparently us. This was going to be hard.
Most people acted like it wasn't happening and avoided the subject. This hurt. Imagine telling someone you got into college and they all said well okay, and then never brought it up again? Or imagine telling them you are getting married and they don't want to know any of the details...no date, no color scheme, no flowers, no bridesmaids, nothing. Then imagine telling them you are pregnant with the first baby. This one is the worst for me. I suddenly realized I could NOT compare this adoption announcement to a pregnancy announcement. Even.though.it.felt.like.the.same.thing.to.me. It was hard.
Now there were a few people that eventually told us how they felt. This was welcomed after the harsh opposite of ignoring the situation. As happy as we were that they were at least talking about the adoption (even negatively) the comments still hurt. They still sting. Some are still fresh and haven't been healed. Some of the worst thing I have ever been told happened during this time. It was hard.
I am so grateful for my husband during this time. I truly had to rely on him in a way I never had before. It was literally me and him against the world for the first time our life. My faith was tested and my feelings toward our adoption was tested. Thank God, Ryan was on board with this.
I was the one who was backing away,
I was the one second guessing everything,
I was the one who couldn't handle the criticism,
I was the one who wanted out.
I couldn't handle being the black sheep.
I couldn't do this. However,
I wasn't alone. I had
God and I had
Ryan on my side. When we would leave after having rough conversations I would just cling to my faith. If God didn't want us to do this, He would close the doors. Literally I lived and breathed that. He would close the doors. If this wasn't in His plan it wouldn't happen. I still cling to that when I start to get overwhelmed with all the uncertainty. Without God and without Ryan I could not be adopting. It is hard.
I write all of this for anyone considering adoption. When I was reading blogs I never saw anything like this. I only saw excited grandparents and happy friends and families. While things are getting sooooo much better, it is still hard and there are still wounds. However, I know it is worth it. Even if the adoption were to stop now, it would have been worth it. We have shared Christ and seen Christ so much that it is worth every wound. Following Christ is hard.
